Retail Therapy

It works.  And I love it.

Yesterday morning, a co-worker rushed up to me and another co-worker with an excited expression.  It looked like she was about to announce an engagement, promotion or pregnancy.  Yes, she was that excited.  Anyway, she quickly blurted out that Nine West was having a HUGE sale.  She then began to list the many, many shoes she scored for a steal of a price. 

Naturally, me and the other co-worker went to our desks and got right to work...if by work you mean working on looking for an awesome Nine West shoe.  Or handbag.  Or boot.

The stress that I typically feel melted away as I perused the webpage and the deals all around.  There was so much to chose from and so much to see.  It was like I was in my own little shoe online wonder land.

It was tough, but I finally picked a pair.  It was the right combo of style, comfort -- and for Anwar -- right for the wallet.

Want to see?

I love them.  I am sure I will love them more once they are on my feet.

So it is decided.  I need to win the powerball so I can just go shopping every time I get stressed out :)

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again.

I know I probably just got that song stuck in all of your heads.  I am sorry.  Sort of ;)

Well, get knocked down is right.  I do not need to bore any of you with the details, but I am struggling with life right now.  I am constantly running around trying to get dinner done, trying to get kids to bed, trying to feel like I spend any quality time with my family at all.  I am also constantly stressing about taking care of my rambunctious toddler, stressing about traveling for work, stressing about how my husband will manage on his own while I am gone, stressing about weight, stressing about loans, and where the heck my life is going.

Are you still reading? 

Good.  Because I let all that garbage I just wrote get in the way.  I let it get in the way of everything.  I have not been eating well or exercising regularly.  I have not been training for my 5K.  I have basically been doing nothing and giving myself an out with “life.” 

So, in contemplating my next step, I remembered my New Year’s resolutions.  #4: I get knocked down, but I get up again.  Even though I haven’t been doing well recently, doesn’t mean I can’t do well now.  Also, #2: Keep it simple stupid.  I need to stop overwhelming myself with what I still need to do.  All it takes is one step at a time.  Tonight, that step is to work out.  Finally, #1: Don’t give up.

Life is not always going to be smooth sailing.  All those waves cannot be an excuse for me to give up and do nothing but watch TV while eating chocolate ice cream. 

Tomorrow I am hoping my life changes in just one respect – I want to be sore as hell because of a great workout!

A Different Kind of McFatty Monday

Sometimes during my (never ending) quest to lose weight, I lost sight of how what I am doing impacts those around me. 

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really have been trying to lose weight for half of my life.  For those math whizzes out there, that means I have been trying to lose weight for Noelle's entire life. 

Noelle has watched me celebrate pounds lost and likewise watched me wallow in sorrow when those pounds (usually plus some) came back.  She has watched me cut out many foods and then shortly thereafter overindulge in those same foods. 

As stupid as it sounds, I have never really considered the practical impact of my actions on my child.  I never thought of my yo-yo dieting beyond myself other than to acknowledge that I never wanted my children to experience what I have.

Well, hindsight is 20/20.

About a month ago I signed Noelle up for swimming lessons.  Since that time, Noelle has insisted that she did not want to go.  This is fairly typical behavior, as Noelle tends to be very shy and hates trying new things.  This past Saturday was the first lesson and that morning Noelle repeated how much she did not want to go.  I brushed her fears aside and took her to the community center.  Once there, Noelle began telling me she did not want to get into her swimsuit.  I brushed that aside as well and told her she would have a great time and to not be nervous.  It wasn't until Noelle sat down on the bench next to the pool and began to cry that I started to wonder what else was going on. 

Noelle told me she did not want to swim because she was so much bigger than all the girls in her class. 

Noelle is not fat in the least.  She is the tallest kid in her entire school, she is the height and weight of the average 12 year old and she has the curvy body of an adult, not the bean pole body of a child.  In sum, she just grew up too fast and her classmates have yet to catch up to her.

But try explaining that to a crying 8 year old who was too self-conscious to go into a pool because she was the biggest girl there.  Try explaining that nobody else cares about her size, they are just there to have fun.  Try explaining all of that when the child listening has watched you experience all the same emotions and has watched you not do things because you were too big. 

Listening to my child cry because she feels too big for her age made my heart just sink.  After we talked and Noelle had gone into the other room, I sat down and cried because the heartache I sought to prevent has already started to occur.  I am so upset with myself for not being more conscious of my diet woes and their impact on Noelle.  I am also incredibly angry that at 8 my child is already aware of body size and feels the need to be worried about it. 

I am at a total loss. 

All I could tell her is that she grew much more quickly than other kids her age - and that she is drop dead gorgeous.  Beyond that I am not sure what to do.

What in the world do you do with a kid, who at 8 years old already sees the use in a McFatty Monday?

Those Days

Some days I can understand why some people do not have children. 

I am talking about the days that I just want to run and hide or get into my car and drive far, far away because I seriously cannot stand my children for one more second.

The days that Noelle gives me attitude over every.little.thing.  Honestly, you would think the whole world was ending because I told her to hang up her clothes.  This, of course, is after she found some way to interrupt every conversation I was engaged in that day or found some way to make each and every task I needed to accomplished incredibly difficult.   She also thinks me trying to pick a random piece of hair out of her eye is like major surgery that requires tears or valium. 

The days that Nikolai cries for absolutely no reason or because I do not give him everything his little heart desires.  You know, I can only hold so many dishes/toys/food/babies in my hands before I crack.  This comes after he has decided the floor that I just picked up and vacuumed should be re-christened with his lunch and re-filled with his toys.  Oh yes, and then he is upset because he is still hungry for the food that made it to the floor and not his tummy and that his feet hurt from constantly stepping all over the legos that MUST cover every square inch of the living room.

The days that after hearing all the whining and crying and fits and temper tantrums that I still must find a way to stop from drowning in a never-ending pile of laundry and sink constantly full of dirty (smelly) dishes and people saying to me "when are you cooking dinner" and "did you pay this bill yet."

You know...those days. 

It is on those days that I do not like being a parent. I do not like having responsibilities.  That I tell my husband that for Christmas next year I want Santa to make me six years old again so that somebody else can do my laundry, cook my dinner, wash my dishes and pay my bills.  So that somebody else can listen to children whine and cry and throw themselves on the ground in a rage because they did not get to play with the toaster (yes, the toaster).

Now, on those days, after I have given myself the appropriate time out, I remind myself that being a parent sucks.  Having responsibility for the lives of those who cannot care for themselves is hard.  Trying to keep life in balance is not an easy task.

But, watching your daughter figure out a tough math problem or scoring a soccer goal, hearing your son sing "ABC" for the first time, gazing at them both as they dance together around the house, putting them both to bed with an I love you and a kiss, that is what a mom gets to do.

And being a mom is awesome....even on those days.

McFatty Monday: Resolution Time

I am not typically one to proclaim a resolution for the new year.  At least not publicly.  In my mind I always tell myself that THIS will be the year that I will do it.  I will finally take off the weight.  For those of you who have been with me since last year, you can pretty much assume that I said this to myself on January 1, 2010. 

Yeah, as per usual, it didn't happen.

Now, don't get me wrong, I accomplished some great things in 2010.  I ran a 5K.  I finished the 30 Day Shred.  I kept going.

But, I obviously did not do what I wanted to do - lose weight.  I weight pretty much weigh the same that I did at this time last year.  Despite my efforts, I could not follow through and thus could not make any progress towards my weight loss goal.

So, as 2010 came to a close I thought it was time to have a better resolution.  I have a few actually.

I think, first and foremost, I resolve to not give up.  The road to my ideal weight may be long and hard, but I have to keep going even when it seems useless or impossible. 

Don't give up.

Next, I need to stop looking for the next big thing that is magically going to melt the weight off of me.  It does not exist.  To lose weight I have to eat less and move more.  And yes, it is that simple - and oh so hard all at the same time.

Keep it simple stupid.

I would also like to run the Disney 5K in Anaheim, CA this September with a SUPER good friend of mine.  My goal is not for time-related, but just to run without stopping - even if my run is at a snail's pace.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Finally, I want to be better at jumping back on the diet bandwagon when I fall off.  Just because I have a bad day, week or even few weeks does not mean my diet has failed.  It means I need to cut the crap and get back up.

I get knocked down, but I get up again.

So, let's recap.

My 2011 resolutions are:
1) Don't give up;
2) Keep it simple stupid;
3) Slow and steady wins the race; and
4) I get knocked down, but I get up again.

Naturally, these goals require that I start doing something to accomplish them.  I haven't yet decided my best course of action.  So, by next week I want to have a good game plan and will share it with you so that I can force you all to keep me in check.

2011 had better keep me on my toes :)

Happy McFatty Monday.