I lost my candle

Somewhere there is a candle burning at both ends.  If you find it, would you return it to me please?

I have always prided myself on how well I multi-task.  I could seamlessly float through the million and one things I needed to accomplish by 5:00 pm without breaking a sweat or developing a migraine.  I could hop from one mind boggling assignment to another without skipping a beat.  I could take countless interruptions without losing my place (or my very little patience). 

I suppose when you are a single mom trying to finish up undergrad and law school that by necessity you do what you have to do.  I did not have the luxury of taking a break.  I had to work.  I had to finish school.  I had to care for myself and Noelle.  I had to do these things to make sure she had the best opportunities in life.  So, I did it.  Raised a baby, worked a job, went to school full time and somehow managed to wear clean clothes most days. 

I did all of that plus I had time for family,  I spent a good deal of time with my friends, I participated in school activities, I dated my now husband, I did very well in school and I did not feel like death at the end of the day. 

In short, you could say I constantly burned the candle at both ends. 

Fast forward to the present day.  I find it difficult to get up in the morning.  I can multi-task (really, I can) but not with the same grace I did a few years ago.  I forget what I was doing when interrupted and I find it very, very difficult to take care of my two kids – and this is with the help of a very involved husband. 

What gives?

At this point my life should be easier.  I work one full time job.  I do not have school, nor the homework that results.  I am no longer a single parent and, aside from my little blog here, I do not participate in much else aside from my kids and my work. 

Additionally, I have no time for anyone and I usually feel like death at the end of the day.  Most importantly, I am a horrible, horrible friend.  By the time the kids are fed and asleep at the end of the day I just want to be alone.  I do not have the energy, nor the mental capacity, to call my friends or go out with them.  I don’t feel like I am a good conversationalist anymore because I lose focus during the conversation and have a tough time contributing the way I would like. 

I pretty much suck at life.

So, either my candle is lost or it has completely burned out. 

Nobody warned me those candles had limited wick life.  If I had known I totally would have purchased a larger one.