Falling off the wagon...

I have been horrible about working out this week. I told Anwar that I need to do some deathbed repentance big time, as I have to both weigh in and measure tomorrow. I will not at all be surprised if I gain or lose nothing. I should be seriously happy (and shocked) if I lose even half a pound.

I need to figure out what it is that holds me back. I know on many days I feel way too tired to start, however, if I just workout anyway I feel great after. Also, on days when I am in a bad mood I use it as an excuse to not workout. But seriously? I should know that working out will just get me closer to being happy with how I look. Most of all, I am almost done with my first 30 days! I should be rocking out because I made it...I am just not sure what has gotten into me. You all need to light a fire under my ass, okay?!?

I will workout tonight - despite my horrible heartburn. I will workout tomorrow and the day after that. I also know my food habits have been slipping little by little, but that needs to get back in line too. I need to rework the budget and find a little extra for some weight watchers or SOMETHING!

I would really like to end 2010 at my goal weight. As one of my friends said - I want to go into my 30's looking HOT! Go, go, go!!

If I don't post about my workout tonight, somebody come kidnap me and send me to some sort of boot camp or rehab. I think either would be appropriate.

30 DS - Day 26: Exciting Times on a Friday Night

I am so popular and cool that I had many, many options when choosing how to spend my Friday night. The coolest and best option of all, but of course, was The 30 Day Shred. I know, I am complete loser, haha!

I have decided that I much prefer to workout in the morning as opposed to the late afternoon or evening. For some reason I am just worn out - I am thinking it has something to do with caring for a five month old all day, but whatever. I am still doing well with my modified jump rope...I think it saved my workout because I don't dread doing it now. I will now give myself a pat on the back for that one. Small things about the video are starting to annoy me, however. Jillian can get so stinking annoying. I seriously want to punch her in the face at times. Why are you telling me to "hang in there" when you haven't done 3/4 of the workout yourself? Horrible. Also, do NOT tell me "only a few more" when really there are more than five left. It is like the labor nurse telling you only a few more pushes when there are TONS left. It is not okay and it makes me hate you.

I have not done well on the food front this week. I have been eating cereal to satisfy my sweet tooth, which isn't horrible, but I do it several times a day. Those calories add up fast and can be detrimental to a diet. Oh well, the new day starts this second and I need some sort of renewed will power. If I had the cash I would seriously go sign up for Weight Watchers tomorrow. That place rocks.

I guess I should make dinner, do the dishes, shower, do the laundry and clean up at some point...but I may just mess around on the internet instead :)

Later!

Teen mom - and this time I am so talking about the TV show.

I don't know why I watch these shows, you know, the crazy reality TV that depicts the drama of others' lives. Don't I have enough drama of my own? Guess not. I don't usually blog about TV, but there were several things I felt needed commentary after watching the season finale of Teen Mom.

Let's start with Macy. She told her friends it was her job as a mom to try and make it work with her dumb boyfriend even if she was unhappy. That is probably the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Why would you make yourself unhappy for life just so your kid can grow up in a traditional family? Even better, why would you teach your kid that staying in an unhappy relationship is normal? Or that it is okay for a father to make the mother do all of the work? Or that it is okay for a father to ignore his child and treat his significant other like crap? In my opinion, this is far from okay.

Our society places such a high value on two-parent families. I think this emphasis sometimes leads to the unfounded belief that single-parent or divorced families are doomed. While I acknowledge that statistically children from single-parent families are less likely to succeed, I think that statistic does not take into account many things. I believe that if you expose a child to an unhealthy relationship for a long period of time, that child adopts the unhealthy relationship as normal and will thus re-create the unhealthy behavior in his/her relationships in the future. Would you want your child to be as unhappy as you simply to sustain the traditional family? I wouldn't. I would instead expose my child to a HAPPY single parent situation where the child would learn to be strong and independent. So Macy, get the hell out!

Gary & Amber. The show tries so hard to portray Gary as a bad guy. I agree that he has things to work on, but Amber is also to blame. Amber is an instigator and seems to want to start things up with him. I think it is a manifestation of her own postpartum depression and anxiety issues. They need some couples counseling stat if they are going to continue their civility around their baby. I will say, however, that Amber moving out of Gary's apartment to escape the arguing was a very adult and good decision.

Farrah...I think she is quite a dumb chick. But I will say I know how lonely she feels. When you are single and have a kid young, you lose a lot of friends and end up spending quite a bit of time on your own with your baby. It is frustrating and depressing. That said, this girl needs to grow up. And if Noelle ever talked to me the way she talks to her mom, you'd better believe she would never leave her room again.

Finally, Catelynn and Tyler. I LOVE THEM. What mature kids. I can't imagine what they are going through, but they are handling themselves better than their parents and I am so happy they are working through their adoption.

Okay, that is my TV review of Teen Mom! I really should find better things to do with my time...but I probably won't ;)

30 DS - Day 24: Obsessed Cat!

I can't believe I am almost to day 30! I have missed some days (gasp) but overall I feel very proud for sticking with it.

Today the cat was very interested in my workout. He started batting at my hands and feet during the knee circles and pawing at my head during chest flies. So long as I don't hit him with my weights again, I don't mind.

I am still happy with my decision to modify the jump rope. My shins feel so much better and I am much less discouraged with my progess/efforts.

Okay Jillian! almost there :)

Friends...and I'm not talking about the tv show.

I have been thinking as of late about how some of my friendships have turned out. Quite honestly, had you asked me ten years ago, I could not have imagined my friendships in their current state.

I currently have many different types of friends: nerdy friends, trendy friends, single friends, married friends, Internet friends, extremely social friends, friends with kids and friends without. I like my fairly eclectic mix and really appreciate having each and everyone of my friends.

As my life has evolved, so have my friendships. Coming out of high school I had a really tight group of girlfriends that were basically inseparable. We did lots of things together and we had tons of fun. But, we began to drift as more serious relationships began, school got increasingly difficult and distance took its toll. I guess one of the landmark friendship times in my life came after the birth of Noelle. A 21 year old who constantly has to find a sitter to go out with really isn't much fun. Really. At that point in my life I lost a lot of friends. I know none of them meant to cut me out, but it was bound to happen, as my life didn't match up with their lives anymore. I will say I still do have friends from that period in my life (one in particular) who stuck with me through thick and thin!

As my life progressed even further more friends came and went...and I am happy for each relationship.

There is one thing, however, that I will never appreciate or understand. Fake friends. You know, the people that pretend to like you, then talk behind your back or purposely leave you out of things? Yes, those people. I don't have time for them; at all. Yes, I am smart enough to see you've begun to treat me like others you say you dislike. Yes, I am well aware of the party you had that everyone else was invited to but me - and I found out from someone who didn't know I wasn't invited and talked to me about it. So don't do all of that then try to be all nice to my face and say you'd love to see me. I.Don't.Buy.It. So please go away. I'd much rather focus my small amount of time and attention on those who are really my friends.

To all my real friends - I love you guys and am so happy to have you around...even if I don't see you often...I do think about you often :)

30 DS - Day 22: I'm back!

So, I'll start with my Monday morning weigh in...I lost another 1.8 pounds. That must be my number because it was the same last week. My total loss to date is 5.6 pounds. I have a better outlook about it this week. I figure if I lose 1.8 pounds every week, then I will hit my goal within the year. Slow and steady wins the race, right? On to next week...

I also had a better attitude about my workout too. I decided I should stop doing things that hurt, not just are uncomfortable, but actually hurt. So during the jump rope I shifted my weight from side to side to reduce direct impact. I was still moving and jumping, but instead of wincing in pain, I was able to get the moves in. I also went all out today instead of my Saturday half assed flop. I feel much better about it. Yes, I did skip yesterday...but I suffered enough heartache due to the Vikings...so I wont worry about it.

Off I go! I have stuff to get done.

EDIT: I am DUMB! Maybe I should use a calculator for this difficult subtraction problem...I have lost 4.6 pounds. Not 5.6.

We're going to win, we're going to win...we lost.

The Vikings. They taunted us all season with their mad offensive skills, Brett Favre and the mad crazy defensive line. They got us all the way to the NFC Title Game...only to lose. My heart broke a little last night - and as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, I could only wonder why it is I build things up so much and so high only to set myself up for a long and hard fall.

I know I'm not the only one. Whether it be something as far fetched as thinking that powerball ticket is "the one" or something as hopeful as thinking this job application would be it, we all hope and want...a little too much at times. I am very guilty of this built up thinking. I am positive every time I enter a contest I will win, every time they do Birthday Bucks on KS95 December 21st will roll of Melissa's tongue, that every time I step on the scale I am going to see a HUGE drop, and that every time I hit "apply" or drop a resume in the mail - that will be the one. Nine times out of ten, I don't win, they don't call my birthday, I lose almost nothing and I get a nice fancy rejection letter in the mail. None of these hopes would be an issues (I see nothing wrong with hoping), but I do more than just hope...I count on. I KNOW this will happen, know to a point where I start planning what house I am going to buy with my winnings and what things I will need for Nikolai's daycare when I start my new job. Then when it all comes crashing down I want to repeatedly hit my head on my desk for setting myself up - again!

Now, I guess having high hopes is better than no hopes at all. If I wasn't so hopeful I would probably just sit at my house all day and stare at the wall. I also wouldn't get so excited about Sunday's game. I wouldn't look for jobs and I wouldn't buy powerball tickets (hey, you can't win unless you play, right?) So I guess the moral of the story I must share at 6:09 a.m. is that getting way overly excited and confident is probably better than the alternative...oh, and at 6:09 a.m. you should probably finish your coffee before blogging.

Maybe next year, Vikings.

On a side note, I saw a picture of my hair up and have lost so much hair postpartum that I am going bald. Rogaine and never wearing my hair up again are definitely necessary.

30 DS - Day 20: This Workout Brought to you by Anwar...sort of

Well, I must be in some sort of a mood tonight. Who knows. At about 8:30 p.m. I looked at Anwar and said I hadn't worked out yet. He told me it wasn't too late. So I got on my non-matching and (NOT CLEAN) gear and hit play. I should have just stayed in my sort of clean clothes. I had absolutely no motivation at all and found myself half assing the whole thing. It doesn't help that moves I was all over in the beginning I can barely do now. My shins spread to my calves which spread to my knees which spread to my back. I feel like a total loser. Why is it that I am not even thirty, yet my body feels like that of an eighty year old?? Am I that much of a lard that I can't do thirty days of a stupid workout video? I thought it was supposed to be getting better...but for me it seems to be getting worse. Maybe this whole thing was brought on by the glimpse I caught of myself today where I looked way bigger than I had ever seen myself. What a fricking buzz kill.

Okay, that was a really dumb vent. I am sure it will be better tomorrow. It has to be - because tomorrow is the day the Vikes are going to pound the Saints!

My life is pretty elementary, my dears.

So, one of the main reasons I started blogging was because I feel as though I get inadequate adult interaction. I mean, I used to go to school/work five days a week where I was constantly subjected to adult conversations, opinions, lessons and behavior (although, I must admit, some adults act more adult-like than others). Now that I stay at home all seven days of the week mostly with a 5 month old whose vocabulary consists of "gee" and "babababa" and interests include shiny objects, the cat, anything to chew on and his feet - I feel as though my adult interaction skills are going down the drain. I readily admit this is my fault. I could be more interactive with my friends, I could join a mommy group or even go out in public more. But I don't. A combination of money and my postpardum reclusiveness is mostly to blame...but alas that is another blog entry for another day.

My child only interactions had begun to run my life. I actually caught myself narrating my daily actions to Nikolai...I would say "now we are going to make breakfast" or "let's walk to your room and see if we can find some clothes." It was only after doing this for what I can only guesstimate to be almost an entire day that I realized I needed to start expressing my thoughts and spilling my adult emotions somewhere - and to someone other than my poor unsuspecting son.

I should qualify this whole rant by saying Noelle is a great person to talk to...after all, she does use phrases like "that would be quite a shame" :)

Well, anyway, so I start blogging and realized that I really like to write down what is going on in my head. In fact, I am just crazy enough that some of it may actually be interesting once it gets on the page - trust me folks - that interesting part may be far and few between. I have always been the girl who tried to be funny only to get lots of blank stares in response. After finally writing down how suckish being unemployed can be, how much I hate other parents (who suck at parenting), how amazing my daughter is and how tiring (but so super cute) my son can be. I like it. Although, I must say my husband doesn't read my blog...his reasoning is that he lives my blog every day and that should be sufficient. Nice Anwar, thanks.

I still narrate the day to Nikolai. I still find myself yearning to read up on a few cases and statutes then run off to write a brief (I know, nerd alert), but somehow knowing that I can spill the beans on my blog makes me feel better about it all. Even if nobody reads it (I still am in shock that I am not the only one accessing this page). One of these days I'll stop being such a recluse and maybe go hang out with my friends...but for now, I just keep writing.

Later gators.

30 DS - Day 19: Nik is getting bored and I'm getting buff

I did end up missing the shred yesterday. I considered using Nikolai as my weight because he wouldn't let me put him down, but I didn't think that would work out so well. I just chalked it up to life happening and moved on to today!

I don't think I will ever get through the jumping jack/jump rope combo. It just isn't going to happen. My shins (and now calves) are not feeling so hot and I don't think this is something a mere stretch can fix. Instead of continuing to look like a complete jackass in my living room by holding my breath and simultaneously picturing a bikini bod and cursing to myself...I will just do my best and look elsewhere for progress. For instance, I find it much, much easier to get off the couch, walk to the kitchen and get myself a cookie. My scooping arm gets much less fatigued while getting my favorite ice cream AND I flip pancakes much higher than before...

Seriously though, I really have seen some benefits. I can walk up three flights of stairs with my 15 pound baby plus car seat in tow and not even huff or puff, I can squat down with Nik in my arms to grab a toy without grunting, and I can clean my house without getting tired. All good things.

A bad thing, Nikolai for the first time got bored in his jumperoo. I have no other way to entertain the kid...so I am hoping this was an isolated incident.

The eating this week gets a huge thumbs down. Someone really needs to invent diet LeeAnn Chin.

Tomorrow is day 20...and day 21 (my fav/lucky #) is the day of the Vikings game! Yes indeed, we dat! SKOL!

Ahhh, a day in the life of a mom...

I have yet to get to my workout...or the dishes, the floors, the laundry, or even eating. I haven't gotten to anything! PITA, is living up to his nickname today. All he wants to do is cry, eat and sleep. No fever, no other illness symptoms. Just a crabby baby. So, the shred has not happened, it may not - although I will try to squeeze it in after his bedtime.

I made the big mistake of assuming that Nikolai would be just like Noelle. I quite frequently tell people that Noelle is perfect. Almost always on her best behavior, does as she is told, is very smart and does well in school, is fun to hang out with, has an infectious personality, is amazingly beautiful and very, very easy to love. Noelle was a pretty easy baby and I thought Nikolai would be the same. Nope, not the same at all. I blame Anwar, he is the only different thing in this equation. Nikolai is difficult at best. He cries for no apparent reason, sleeps like crap, needs attention ALL OF THE TIME, doesn't tolerate change, and hates to do anything you want him to do at the moment.

Needless to say, I was not really prepared for this kid because he is nothing like I expected him to be. And not only did I get a high maintenance kid - I have to stay home and deal with his demands...not very mom-like of me to say, right? Well, I don't care. I am the type of mom who wants to send my kids to daycare where they will learn, become socialized due to exposure to other kids, and adapt to other adults giving them instruction and rules. While they are at daycare I like to go to work, do something I love and then come home so we can integrate out lives together. Not that I am knocking stay at home moms (or dads), I could never do that very well (trust me, I have seen really bad stay at home moms and their kids are complete nightmares...I do not want my kids to turn out like that) so I chose the daycare route instead. So back to me staying at home...I don't like it at all. It is nice to see Nikolai grow up and all, but I feel like he could get so much more at daycare. Disagree? Noelle turned out great...but then again, she is perfect. I guess that is another fuel to the unemployment fire...I think Nikolai will do GREAT in daycare. He loves other babies (and kids) and would probably like to play with some NEW non-boring toys.

I have come to the conclusion that all of these things will happen in due time. My goal is to get - my kids - not myself, to where they need to be. We will get there, I know it!

30 DS - Day 17: Still rolling!

I am very proud that I have missed only two days! I will admit, most days I'd much rather grab a quick nap, but naps wont get rid of the flab. Notwithstanding my shin issues, I feel like the workouts are under control.

Now, about the food. I seriously need to get a grip. Yes healthy food is expensive. Yes it is hard to eat the right portions. Yes it is hard to eat what I should as opposed to what I want. But, if dieting was easy - I'd already be thin. So my next step is to eat well! Let's see how it goes...

30 DS - Day 16: Sorry kitty.

I totally hit my cat with a 5 lb. weight. I was doing chest flies and he got in my way - sorry Newton :(

Anyway, I am sitting here sweating buckets and wonder why it is I can't do the jumping jack/jump rope combo. It isn't like I am so out of breath that I have to stop, it is that my shins and calves hurt so bad that I don't think I can keep going. Do I have an injury, need new shoes or am I just that out of shape? Who knows. I guess I really do need to start with new shoes...but I can't imagine having enough money for that until at least the beginning of next month. Then what? See a doc to tell me to do better stretches? Who knows. Whatever it is, I just modify it so it doesn't hurt as much. Not likely as effective, however.

I am officially over the halfway point! Of course, I don't plan on stopping after 30 days...just moving on to level 2 :)

My 5 Month Old Little Boy!

It has seriously flown by. He is still so high maintenence, but he is such a great joy to watch grow up. He still has my cow lick, gets a full on pout face before crying, sits unassisted, sucks his thumb to fall asleep, has discovered the cats, and can jump forever in his jumperoo. Happy 5 monthday, Nikolai!

30 DS - Day 15: Yeah, I still worked out.

I had kind of a bad start to the day. Seriously, today I just wanted to quit and be fat for the rest of my life. After some encouragement from some online buddies (thanks guys) I went after it again. I know I am not happy with how I look and will continue to be unhappy until I shed some pounds. I need to realize it isn't going to happen overnight and it took three years of law school to get the weight on...so I presume it will take a long time to take it off.

On to the shred. My shins are killing me. It doesn't help that stupid Natalie is taking breaks when she thinks the camera isn't on her. Hey - I don't get a break, so neither do you! I am not going to get too far into it today...I have a skewed perspective. More tomorrow on day 16. Wow, I guess that means I am half way through it! Yay!

Later!

You have to be kidding me.

I lost 1.8 pounds. That is a total of 3 stupid pounds. So I think, I must be losing inches...yeah right. I have lost 1" on my hips and .5" on my waist. That is it. I know I may be expecting too much, but what the hell? I work hard every day to fit a workout into my schedule with Nikolai and it really sucks trying to find something healthy to eat while bouncing a screaming child on your hip. So all this crap happens and I wonder why I am even bothering. This is stupid.

So now I am drowining my sorrows in a bowl of captain crunch. That ought to help the diet.

30 DS - Day 14: Okay, now I know no food after either.

We had such a crazy day today. Long night, longer morning and non-stop day. When we finally arrived home at nearly 8:00 p.m. we still had not eaten dinner (although we'd already had birthday cake) and we were just putting Nikolai to bed. Anwar said dinner in about 20 minutes...so I ran to my workout clothes and pressed play. I did my workout and then went right to the table, sat down, and ate. Much like yesterday...I don't feel so good. Yuck!

Anyway, I feel very fatigued today. I am not sure whether it is the late hour of my workout or what, but I had a hard time with things I thought were getting better in the past few days. I also took some time to wonder (during the middle of my jumping jacks) how they find these robot people for the dvd. They don't sweat, they don't breathe heavily, and they don't look like idiots doing some pretty funny looking moves. I can only imagine how stupid I look. I drip (I use the word drip in a highly sarcastic manner) about a gallon of sweat, breathe so hard you'd think I was dying and look like I just stepped out of a fricking marathon. Although I would love to see non-robots in my workouts, I guess it is for the best...I wouldn't want to stare at myself - nobody would buy the dvd! Although, people did buy sweatin' to the oldies. Huh.

Okay everyone, tomorrow weigh in and measurements. I am hoping for some change! ::crosses fingers::

30 DS - Day 13: Note to all you Shredders out there!

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT do the shred after eating dinner and drinking a glass of wine. I thought right before the workout that the wine would make my workout more difficult - surprisingly not. I actually did very well (even with the push ups). However, once I was finished...blah! I don't feel so good. In fact, this is the first time the workout has made me nauseous. Yuck. I wont do that again.

I am seriously sweating bullets. Today, more than ever, I was really focused on moving away from Anita and more towards Natalie. Although, Natalie isn't that great. During the punches she is barely sitting! What a wimp. Whatevs. I know what to do.

Two days away from weigh in! Plus, I am going to measure again...we'll see. I'm kind of nervous!

Dear Big Sister

Everyone believed my parents would be
the most meaningful people in the world to me





What all these people did not know
is that I had someone else who I love so


With each encounter I get a laugh and smile
This person plays with me in her own unique style

Every time I catch her glace, my soul fills with glee
No one else can seem to get as close to me


When I cry she runs to my side
When I laugh she laughs too


When I do something new she exlaims my feats
When I do the same thing, she always trys to get a repeat






She gives me my toys when I am sad
For her unconditional love I will always be glad

Who is this person that I hold so dear?
She is a person I will look up to for ever more....

She is my big sister - it is Noelle who I adore.

30 DS - Day 12: Pity party, table for one!

I am sure you have noticed that I skipped a number...yes, yesterday was day 11 and I missed it. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and used that as an excuse to not work out. Lame-o. I should use the days I feel bad about myself TO workout. Working out is something I have control over and can choose whether I feel good about it or not. So there, from now on bad days do not equal no shredding.

Now onto day 12...I can tell I skipped a day. It was okay and I, again, took less "water breaks" throughout. My shins burn during jumpropes, but you know what? I think they are supposed to do that. I am so happy that I am still going! In most situations I would have given up already...not now!

I am doing HORRIBLE with food. Granted I am not eating 536,347 bowls of cereal a day, but I could be doing much better. I will get there.

Enough. I have a house to clean. It is gross.

I have debated whether to write about this...

but I will - why you ask? Because I am unemployed and have nothing better to do. No, seriously, I heard a story on a local radio show about this and it got me all riled up. It is about Parenting. I shrug at most parenting choices that others make. Everyone has their own style, personality and - most importantly - knows what works best for their kid(s). Spanking, cry it out, time-outs, curfew, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, allowance...to all of this I say whatever. Do what works.

BUT, I do have an issue with NOT PARENTING AT ALL! I have no idea why some people have kids. Honestly! Why in the world would you let your kid walk all over you and sit back and do nothing? I know kids (especially small ones) misbehave, it is part of life. But there is a vast difference between the kid throwing a tantrum whose mom says, "That's it! We are leaving." and promptly takes her child out of the store - and the mom who looks on and does nothing. I can't stand it. The latter (non-parents) have children who will later in life scoff at authority figures, cause trouble for the good kids and will likely get into all sorts of trouble because those kids have learned (from their non-parents) that their actions do not have consequences.

I know when I was younger I hated, HATED, my parents for telling me what to do, being "too strict" and not always beings super nice to me. Let me tell you, I appreciate their parenting so much now, as it taught me that my behavior would determine my future. That bad grades would = no future. That I was too young to decide for myself what I wanted and that their guidance was needed to protect my future.

I have also learned something else - parents are NOT supposed to be buddies with their kids. Now, I personally lucked out because Noelle seems to really like me despite the fact that I am extremely strict...ask me again in about 6 years if she still does like me. Really though, parents are supposed to do things that their kids may not like - trying to always be "liked" by your children is not going to do you - or them - any favors.

Okay, my rant is over. So, parents, next time you are at the mall and your kid starts acting up...don't be the parent everyone stares at and says "why don't they just do something?!" In other words...be a parent.

I will now step off of my soapbox.

30 DS - Day 10: I think I can, I think I can...

Today was the day I was making every effort not to take any "water breaks" no matter how much I wanted to die. Every time my body wanted to give out on me, I would close my eyes and picture how I used to look (although, I thought I was fat then as well) and that pushed me forward. Really, the hardest part is the jump roping. It seriously hurts my shins - I'd like to thank the years of bad shoe wearing and dancing on hard floors in high school for that one. Ugh! Any tips?

On the diet front...I'd like to say, what diet? My willpower lasts until about 4pm, then it magically disappears. I need someone to follow me around all day and smack me every time I am about to eat something crappy.

Okay, my PITA child is trying to get my attention. Ta, ta!

30 DS - Day 9: The Diet Buster!

The culprit...these damn pb cookies! I want one so bad that last night I ate pudding, a bowl of cereal and a fortune cookie trying to satisfy the craving. So to avoid any further diet sabotage, I am going to make them today. I will eat a few and then send the rest to work with Anwar.

My workout went well. I need new shoes though. I have the new tennis shoe that is supposed to improve posture & tone while you walk...they are not very good for arobics. I will now go pull $$ off the tree outside to buy said shoes. Haha!

The Biggest Loser is on tonight! Just more inspiration for a fat girl!

I don't think I approve of Nikolai's new girlfriend...

Meet the Sophie. It is Nikolai's favorite thing to chew on, besides his hands, of course. Although, in this picture it looks like more of a makeout session. Although this is quite the fad toy, I love it and the amount of free time it buys me each day. I so want the winkle...just haven't gotten around to it yet!

I need to stop watching HGTV.

So, living in a 900sf two bedroom apartment with two adults and two kids is not all it's cracked up to be...wait, I should say: is it really cracked up to be that much? If you think it really is, I will burst your bubble and let you know that in reality, 900sf is NOT enough space for four people. Not to mention that our bathroom can barely fit one person in it comfortably, we live on the third floor with no elevator and there is no intercom system, meaning we have to run up and down three flights of stairs to let people into this place. There is one small strip of open space in Noelle and Nikolai's bedroom for Noelle to play - that is, of course, if it happens to be clean enough. The not-so-spacious living room has been overtaken by Nikolai's toys. The poor excuse of a kitchen feels horribly dirty if even the dishes are left in the sink because it is so small. Our lease is up at the end of Apri and needless to say we really need to move.

We would love to find a place where both kids could have their own room so they aren't disturbing each other's sleep and they also can have space for their own stuff. BUT, when you have the rent budget of a broke college student and can't show income for one of the residing adults, apartment hunting becomes not only challenging, it becomes impossible. Throw a few cats into the mix and we are the WORST tenants ever. We are really hoping to get into a place closer to Noelle's school that - definitely - is not as nice as our current place in terms of updates and the surrounding area. But, this place is nearly 1200sf and has two bedrooms plus a den. We would have to eat ramen to afford the rent, but it looks like a good alternative.

Now what does all of this bitching have to do with HGTV? I sit here and watch these young couples go to buy their first houses with their budgets of $500,000+ and their hefty down payments and I wonder where the hell did I go wrong? Seriously. It makes me mad to watch these people shop around, find a BEAUTIFUL house with more space than I'd know what to do with and the hunters end up complaining about the lack of a larger tub in the master suite. Master suite? I'd just like enough space in my bedroom so I don't have to turn sideways to make it from one side of the room to the other. I guess I shouldn't be so harsh, after all, what did any of these house hunters do to me? *sigh*

In the end I guess I should just invest in the only thing that will get me into a house at this point...lottery tickets.

30DS - Day 8: Kicking my butt!

Literally. Today I found that I could more easily move from the low impact moves to the higher impact moves. My feet actually hit my butt a few times during the kicks - as opposed to the typical just barely off the floor moments I had last week. I am happy I seem to be progressing. I do, however, still have major issues with the jumping jack/jump rope combo...it has to get better at some point, right?

Anyway, today was the big day. Weigh in day. I was going to do it yesterday, but decided I needed to buy a scale. As much as I love my sister, I can't imagine going to her house each and every time I need to weigh myself. That would be a pain...for us both!

There was quite the anticipation when I opened the scale box this morning. The picture on the box had the scale reading at 126.2...I wish! If I weighed that much I would not be doing this. But I digress, I got the scale all set up, stepped on and lost...::drum roll:: AN ENTIRE POUND. Kind of anticlimactic, I know. One pound. I guess I should be happy because I ate like CRAP all week long. I ate chinese, went out to dinner with Anwar and ordered crap food. I drank lots of wine and chocolate. Bad, bad, bad. Better than before, but still bad. This week must be better if I really want results. I seem to have the workout part down, so I just need the food part.

Maybe I could just say I gained lots of muscle, so I must have lost lots of fat to have still lost the pound..hehe :p.

30 DS - Day 7: Or not...

Okay, so I missed a day. I am actually feeling really guilty about it - I just didn't prioritize to fit it in. So I am minus one day on the shred. Back on the wagon tomorrow, I promise.

Weight to come tomorrow...which I am not looking forward to based on how I ate this weekend.

30DS - Day 6: Take that, Jillian!

First weekend session of the shred. I must admit it was nice to have someone to keep an eye on the kids for those 20 minutes. Although, they didn't liked being completely banished from the living room - come on, I do not need an audience, nor do I believe anyone wants to be in the audience, while I do the shred.

As for my progress, some areas still kick my ass. Why is it I can jump rope at the end, but not at the beginning? Seriously. I DIE at the beginning with the whole jump rope thing. I usually have to take a "water break" (e.g. an I am going to bust a lung I'm breathing so hard break) during the middle of the first run. I struggle...a lot. Oh well, I imagine one week of working out is not going to fix YEARS of sitting on the couch.

Almost one week down! I weigh in tomorrow :)

"Niles, do you think I'm an elitist?"

When thinking of Fraiser Craine and his opera loving, sky scraper living, caviar eating, espresso drinking lifestyle - it is easy to think that he conducts himself in a way that many find elitist and snobbish. But, do his tastes and preferences make him somehow bad?

I upon many occasions in the recent years have been dubbed a snob or spoiled. I take issue with both labels. Yes, I do like nice things. I like opera, classical music, nice houses, well maintained stores, proper grammar and spelling, and those with proper manners. I also believe people should do well in school and that there is no excuse for getting anything below a "B" in high school because come on - it is HIGH SCHOOL. So does my love of nice things make me a snob? Does my preference of target over the dollar store make me an elitist? Moreover, does the fact that I have family who have helped me experience these things make me spoiled?

With regard to the above questions, my answers would have to be no. As for the snobbery comments, I find nothing wrong with liking and wanting nice things. If you do not want those things for yourself - fine - but don't resort to name calling simply to alleviate yourself of either jealousy, ignorance or dislike of my desires. Those who even want to consider calling me spoiled obviously have no idea who I am. Spoiled people don't work themselves to death for 6 years to attain two degrees and raise a wonderful child. Spoiled people don't study for hours on end to achieve high results. I am not spoiled.

I guess the point of this rant is that what I yearn to achieve may be different from what you would like. Just because you find my aspirations high, does not mean I am bad and deserving of a derogatory label. Maybe the person deserving of label is you.

30DS - Day 5: The jumper"s"

Ahhhh, feels good to be back. Nikolai was fed, burped and somewhat happy for the first time in days. I snagged the opportunity to do the shred. I quickly changed into my workout clothes (no pink girl today) and set Mr. Fussypants in his jumperoo. I was concerned that he'd fuss, but he did a great job entertaining himself the whole time. Plus, every time I lost motivation, I looked over at his sweet face and then kept gong!

As for the actual workout, it is getting better in some places. I seem to have the most difficulty with the jumping jack/jump rope combo. Wowee, that knocks me down every time! I have also learned to keep some water next to me...I get thirsty when I sweat so much!!

Only 2 days until I weigh in...if I could stop eating chocolate at 7am I'd be set - haha!

30 DS - Day 4...sort of: Crying baby says what?

I was ready to go! Hit play, got going, got to round 2 of the weights and....waaaaa! I can usually get him settled, but poor Nikolai has been really fussy and would not let me put him down. So, I stopped half way through. Tomorrow the goal is to finish the damn thing.

On a side note, everytime I do the hip stretches all I can think of is Spongebob saying "bring it around town!"

Yeah, I have to live with myself.

A good friend of mine once pegged my personality in one sentence: "Anne wants to be the best." Boy was she right. Before she said it I am not sure I even realized that was my ultimate descriptor. After some thought, I determined my overly competitive nature, constant disappointment with my performance and drive to do more came back to exactly what my friend said. Even more so, I didn't just want to be the best - I need to be the best.

Ultimately, needing to be the best at what you do is both a curse and a blessing. A blessing because I always try to put my best foot forward. I work hard, I learn quickly and I try to master whatever task is ahead of me. This has resulted in my educational achievements (as a single mom I might add), my musical capabilities, my well-behaved and very smart daughter, and a general sense of accomplishment.

But of course, this curse can be bad, bad, bad. I am (in a more honest description) competitive to a fault. I get upset, depressed and angry when I am not "first" or I didn't score the highest. I remember coming home in tears over getting the second highest grade in a class by two points...I could have been elated that I had done so well. Nope, mad at myself for not getting two more points. I used to overanalyze my State Contest performances in high school and beat myself up over not getting a "perfect" score - again - instead of being happy that I'd scored higher than any other person my age or had done exeedingly well with a difficult song. Sad huh.

In the end I wouldn't want to change who I am. I do struggle with self-esteem issues becuase of my (sometimes) unrealistic expectations. However, I don't want to lose my drive, I don't want to lose my competitive edge and I think it is an important characteristic that makes me - me. I am sometimes derailed by the bad - but I accept who I am and love where what I have accomplished can take me.

30 DS - Day 3: I follow Anita!

While doing my low impact jump rope exercise, I can't even imagine attempting to follow Natalie. She is way to into it for me...thus far anyway. Besides, she has this odd smile on her face the whole time; like she is taunting me for being unable to master her advanced moves. Damn you Natalie, damn you! I will one day beat you at your little game - and wipe that crazy smile off your face.

Besides looking like a total idiot in my apartment for trying to workout when it is readily apparent I am WAY out of shape, my wardrobe is also lacking. I don't have a set number of outfits for exercise; rather, I wear whatever is around that I can move in. Today that happened to be a pink tank top and a pink pair of pj pants. So I looked like a massive wand of bubblegum pink cotton candy repeatedly jumping, cursing and grunting through a 20 minute workout video. LAME!

I may invest in more black pants so to avoid, at the very least, the cotton candy appearance.

Day 3 down! Go Anne, go!

Money matters

This time last year I probably would have told you I needed to have my toes and nails done, new shoes, breakfast at the Copper Dome, dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Oh yeah, it would have been no problem to meet you for lunch or drive a long ways to hang out. It is funny how in one year the difference between want and need can become so apparent. I do not need to get a mani and pedi every month. I do not need to get my eyebrows waxed, I do not need to eat out - and although I love seeing my friends, I do not need to spend money to see you. My exuberant life of spending when I wanted and getting unnecessary things is over. I now clip coupons, buy things only on sale, drive as needed, pluck my brows, buy generic, and eat at home almost every meal. Purchasing a new pair of old navy jeans is a big deal (where before I'd walk into Ann Taylor and drop hundreds of dollars without blinking). I did not need 95% of the things I thought I needed.

Does living within your means suck? Absolutely. Does hearing your 7 year old say she will put a book at the store back because she knows we can't buy it break your heart? Of course. But in the end knowing what I can afford and doing what I can with what I have is a valuable life lesson learned. For the remainder of my life I will think twice before using my credit card to buy something that I can't pay for in cash. I will think twice before heading to the nearest restaurant before looking for what we have in the house or heading to the grocery store. I will think twice before getting something that is twice the cost simply because it is a brand name.

Everything happens for a reason. I suppose one reason I lost my job was because I needed to learn that money matters - but not for the reasons I previously thought.

30DS - Day 2: You want me to support my body weight with what?

Whew! You know how I bitched about the 5lb weights yesterday? Well, today I thought "no pain, no gain" and went for it. I finished the shred with 5 pounders! Yay me.

You know what I hate the most? Push ups. You mean you want me, me, to support my entire body weight with just my two arms? Jillian must not have seen me in a while...because I am heavy. I cursed my way through it.

Also, I never knew how dirty my floor was until I was face first in it...yuck.

Okay, I have to go - I really stink.

Diet FAIL last night

To make a long story short, there was a miscommunication about dinner last night. DH brought home LeeAnn Chin and I frickin' ate it! That stuff is horrible for you. Geez. Well, one downfall and I got back up. This morning it was straight to the oatmeal. I am headed for my workout clothes now and ready for day 2 of the shred.

Go diet, go!

My little jumper...with a helper!

Cute!

30 DS - Day 1: two cans of cream of mushroom soup saved the day

Today was my first day back on the Thirty Day Shred. I wish I could say it was easier this time. It was not. I tried to be all big and tough and start with five pound weights - this was a huge mistake. Thankfully, my love of easy cooking ensured I could grab two cans of soup and use them for my weights today instead. Tomorrow I will for sure have two pound weights, as that is all I can handle for now.

Quite honestly, I feel pathetic. A few years back I could have done this whole video without even breaking a sweat. Not so much. I almost cried during the jump rope portion of the cardio. And when I say I wanted to die during the bicycle sit-ups, I mean it. I am already sore (I did the damn thing only thirty minutes ago) so I dread tonight and tomorrow morning. I wish carrying my 15 pound son up three flights of stairs multiple times a day would work...but it wont. So on to day two.

OMFG - the before pic.

I cannot believe I am doing this...but I am posting a picture of myself. What the hell!?! I seriously let myself go this much? Why didn't anyone tell me I looked this way on a daily basis? *sigh* Oh well. Time to get rid of a good portion of the person pictured below. I will post another pic in two weeks and another a month from now. I will try to wear the same thing so we can see a difference (::hopes for a difference::).

I also took my measurements...they are as follows: big. Let's just say I want to lose 70 pounds and a lot of inches.

Ten things I do that annoy Anwar...but I still do them anyway!

10. I sing in response to a phrase or just to emphasize a word. Like instead of saying "awkward" I would sing some drawn out awkward just to show how truly awkward the event was.

9. Crack my knuckles. He hates this one and thought marrying me would somehow break me of this 15+ year habit. Ha! I sure fooled him.

8. Asking for back rubs - all of the time. Seriously though, there are two problems with his annoyance. First, my back hurts a lot, yours would too if you carried around a baby all day long and had a rack like mine. Second, he doesn't offer enough. He says if I stop asking, he'll rub more...I don't believe him.

7. I yell at other drivers just about every single time I drive. I'm sorry, it is necessary to prevent me from going postal. There are some REALLY dumb drivers out there...really, really dumb.

6. I apparently am averse to trying new foods. It really isn't that, I just don't want anymore Indian food...ever. We used to go to this Indian place and the waiter smelled like super bad BO. Not a good thing for a food establishment. Once I got pregnant I couldn't disassociate the smell with the food...but Anwar doesn't buy my story.

5. I have a super random appetite. So Anwar will come home to no dinner because I suddenly didn't feel like eating what we had around for dinner anymore...haha, sorry babe.

4. I always want him to come to bed with me so I can cuddle with him. He hates that and usually brings me a cat instead. LOL!

3. I am obsessed with Disneyland and am constantly planning our next trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. He comes home and finds me on the disney website - then turns around, shakes his head and walks away.

2. Anwar hates that I watch nothing but "trashy" reality TV, HGTV and Gossip Girl. He has no taste.

AND THE NUMBER ONE ANNOYING THING I DO THAT ANWAR HATES IS....


I use my lawyerly skills to win each and every argument we get into...bwahahaha! Drives him nuts!

For some reason after all of this, my hubby loves me and may just stick around for a while.

Such love, such love.

They tried to make me go to rehab and I said no, no, no!

I am a total food addict. To the point where I crave a certain food I MUST have it. If I try to avoid that particular item, I will eat, and eat, and eat until I eventually eat what I had wanted in the first place. Then I say to myself "damn, if I had just eaten that (cheesecake, cookie, muffin, scone, bagel with cream cheese, skittles...really, insert any crappy food item you want here) I could've had the calories from it and been done. Instead, I ate the crappy food and a whole bunch of other unnecessary things trying to avoid it. DUMB! Here is the diet plan - be flexible. If I really feel like I must have sushi...then I will go eat sushi. I will just eat reasonably for the remainder of the time to make up for it. I just can't sit down and eat an entire box of cookies, that's all. Although it scares me shitless, I am going to take my measurements tomorrow so that I know if I am losing something other than pounds once my shred begins. So tomorrow you can expect the before pics of me - I am hoping I am much happier with my predicted after pics!

Ta Ta for now!

You all may have noticed...

that I have given my blog an actual name. I decided that "Anne's Family Blog" was super lame and boring. So after some thinking (I opted to leave the word creative out of that phrase, law school took all of the creative out) I chose to go with who I am and what I've got... a juris doctor and three awesome people to share it with. I made a pretty half ass attempt to put a pic into my header...I will work on that more later. Whatevs. I am of course open to critique - I sure don't want to look dumb and have nobody tell me! I'd be like the guy who walks around with lettuce in his teeth all day and no one to help him out. So sad.

Well, here's to a new blog title, picture and year. Cheers!

I will be spending the next chunk of my life over the stove.

Nik has thrush. I thought I had escaped this pesky infant afliction...but no. White spots on the toungue and mouth don't lie. *Sigh* Off I go to boil nipples, pacis and somehow clean everything else this kid sticks in his mouth.