Control

I have never felt guilty for being a working mom.  Never felt guilty for sending my kids to daycare (in fact, I LOVE them being in daycare).  Never felt guilty that I was not always the one to pick them up and/or drop them off. 

I am a working mom and very happy to be one.  In all honesty, I am not cut out to be a SAHM and think those who can happily do so are amazing.

Anyway, my guilt-free working mom attitude took a dive a few weeks ago.

I am typically at my desk and working before Noelle and Anwar even leave the house.  One morning I got a call from Anwar and the first words out of his mouth are: "She's okay, but Noelle fell down the stairs this morning."  After getting all the info - yes she fell, yes she is okay, the school nurse sent her to class, she was more scared that anything...I hung up the phone.  And nearly cried.

The only thing I could think was how horrible I am for not being there when my daughter needed me.  Why wasn't I there to stop her from falling?  Why couldn't I have caught her?  Why wasn't I there to make sure she knew everything was going to be okay?

I felt like a horrible, horrible working mom because instead of being there - I was at work.

I mean, I know that Noelle has people who love and care for her, but I have a single-mom mentality when it comes to her.  I am used to being the parent who cares for her and makes sure she is okay.  Don't get me wrong, I know Anwar to be wholly capable, but I am just so accustomed to be the only one.  Even after all this time I am used to kissing the boo-boos better and giving Noelle a hug when she gets hurt.  I am used to being in control of making her feel better.

But you know what?  It is time for this type-A mom to give up control.  I am not going to be, nor can I, always be there.  I am raising my children to be independent, to think for themselves and to figure out what to do when a problem arises.  I have entrusted my children to people who are great caregivers, kind-hearted and responsible.  I have a great daycare, a great school and an amazing husband who all make sure my kids do well and are okay.

That said, I need to know that in my absence my children are well cared for and well loved.  I need to know that when she falls, Noelle can pick herself back up.

When I picked Noelle up from school that day, I apologized to her for not being there to help her when she fell down the stairs.  She said to me:  "That's okay, Anwar caught me."