The breakdown.

Although I cannot attest to what it is like to be addicted to alcohol, drugs or tobacco, I can tell you what it is like to be addicted to food. 

It sounds lame, but for me food is like a drug.  I get almost irresistible urges to eat something in particular.  This impulse ranges from ice cream to eggs, from cereal to steak.  I have learned that when faced with these urges it is best to just eat what I want because otherwise I tend to eat and eat and eat until I end up eating what I was craving anyway.  In the past I have made this work with programs like weight watchers because I could just count up the points and move on.  Of course, this did not lead me down the path of healthy eating and I usually ended up leaving all the healthy food behind in favor of my craving of the moment.

Now, I do not have the luxury of eating what I want and caving to my cravings.  I have a very strict list of things I can eat and I must do my best to not stray.  This is mentally challenging for me.  There are so many times during the day when I just want to reach into the cupboard for that box of cereal.  Or maybe just take one bite of that ice cream Noelle is eating.  Then, my will power kicks in and I go drink a glass of water or grab a piece of fruit instead. 

Every time this happens it is like I am fighting with myself - like a constant tug of war going on inside my head.  It is exhausting, frustrating and at some points unbearable.  I know this is really dramatic, but I can't seem to operate without this struggle. 

Well, all of my mental fighting this last week led to me sitting on the couch crying and refusing to eat because all of my options did not sound appetizing.  I have also found myself going to bed early and showering to avoid eating things that I am not supposed to eat. 

Thankfully I have a rockstar husband who is willing to bring me sushi and cook dinner during the tough times.  But my awesome husband cannot give me a long-term solution.  I cannot eat sushi for every meal (Jeremy Pivin can attest to that).  I cannot run away every single time I am unhappy with my food choices.  I cannot refuse to eat simply because I do not like my options.  If I continue to do this, I doubt I will be successful in the long run. 

I am hoping this next week is better.  For the record I did not gain any weight back.  I am down a little less than a pound from last week...so almost 10 pounds gone.